My Dilemma
My Dilemma
How can I explain myself to the world? I have a terrible problem.
I hurt the people I love the most.
Can they ever forgive my behavior? Do I dare ask for forgiveness?
I try to stop but my body won’t let me.
Partly true, but I know that I can stop my body when I work hard at control.
Control is up to me and I must get it down.
The answer to controlling my body is to give God my emotions. Because I am so angry at God, I have to fight the lies in my head that make me believe that God is mean to make me non-verbal.
Do I really believe God is mean to me?
I don’t think so.
I am frustrated because it is so hard to communicate who I really am inside. Because it is so hard to get my thoughts on paper, I am tempted to give up on control and let go.
It feels good for the moment but I usually regret this afterwards because the consequences are horrific to me and others. Control of my emotions is the only way I can ever hope to have a good life. I believe this is true of all human beings no matter what they struggle to overcome.
Cain struggled with anger at God because God didn’t accept his sacrifice. God warned Cain to control his emotions because “sin was crouching at the door” ready to devour him. Cain chose not to control his anger, murdered his best friend, living to regret his loss of control.
I don’t want to live my life in separation from others, like Cain, wishing I had controlled my emotions.
So, how do I control my emotions?
By listening to what is true, believing it, and submitting to it.
How do I yield to God when His thoughts are so different from mine?
By getting to know Him intimately over time. Intentionally listening, communicating thoughts, and watching what He loves. Having a personal, reciprocal relationship.
Sin habits have to be recognized and plans created for breaking them. The Holy Spirit will help if I don’t stifle Him. I ask you to pray for me as I struggle to break these habits that destroy me.
A loving, patient God will help you as well.
Asking humbly,
Jacob
July 2019
